One Sided Love

Where to begin? So much has happened in the past few months, so many changes for the better. If they are for the better then why do I feel filled with anxiety and fear? In the past few months, I met the man I believe is the man I have waited 35 years to come into my life and fell in love with him. I should be throwing up sunshine and rainbows right? I wish I was right now!

Why am I not throwing up sunshine and rainbows since I have fallen in love with the man of my dreams? One simple answer.... Fear! I am so afraid of getting hurt that it's hard to let myself completely be happy. For almost a whole day I allowed myself to be happy and smile but I was knocked back down real fast. I was reminded that I'm the one in love in this relationship not him. How in the hell did I let this happen?

I have been so good at keeping myself at arms length in past relationships but with this one, I have lost all control of my feelings. This is the scariest thing in the world because how do you allow the relationship continue knowing you are the only one who has these feelings without getting hurt. This is where I am at right now. I know I love him but how much will it hurt if he never loves me back. I've been given the excuse that his actions speak louder than words but it hurts like hell not hearing those 3 little words that I've never told anyone and actually meant it... Until him!

I don't think he realizes how big of a deal he is to be in my life, let alone allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that no man wants to love me? 

Have you found Passion?

The past few weeks I have been struggling with passion because I feel no real passion in my life. This has caused me to doubt my decisions, my life and my future. Many people know that I run 3 businesses: my handmade business, my tea business and my makeup business. I love each of these in very unique ways because each bring happiness into my life in their each, individual ways.

After coming back from a day trip in New York City, I missed the excitement of city life. I grew up in the country but always felt at home being in the city and around other people. My life right now is very secluded and lonely which contributes to my depression and unhappiness in my current life. I love selling tea and I have built a very nice team of tea lovers. My customers love my individual customer service and perks that I offer to them. I look at tea as making inside of my body beautiful while my makeup business makes the outside of my body beautiful.

The past week, things have occurred with the makeup company that have made me doubt if this company is the right fit for me. To start, I noticed that my upline and the rest of the team she built started sharing products from a competing makeup company. Then I realized that the whole team went and joined this company. So how does one feel when someone who sponsored you and supposed to be your support in this business leaves for a competing company? That is where the doubts started....

Then I was following a Facebook friend who was posting about her concerns over fellow consultants of the makeup business not being very welcoming to her because she runs more then one business including a skincare, pampering company which she has had much success in running before joining the makeup company. She shared her unhappiness of the way these consultants treated her. Well not even a day later, a consultant contact the makeup company's compliance department and reported this girl for selling for the skincare company (which doesn't sell any makeup). The makeup company made her decide us or them. Well she made the right decision and left the makeup company just 3 days after joining! This made my thoughts wonder because the the tea company selling tea infused soap aka skincare so will someone report me and make me choose??

Today, a friend of mine and fellow makeup consultant brought a post in our elite group that put down the consultants that run more then one business and my upline agreed with her. That was basically the nail in the coffin of doubts for me. I know that each of my business' contribute to my passion, my passion for life, my passion for art, my passion for beauty, my passion for the things I love. I know where I want to go in my life, that I want people that are willing to support me by my side and I will not allow the negativity to invade me life any longer.

My passion is for art and beauty in the life that surrounds all of us everyday. I see the world as art and I want to make the world a beautiful work of art with my passion.

Leave the past in the past

So I decided to make Monday blogs.... My Love Life Monday or lack of love life! If you have read any of my past blog posts, you will know that my love life has been an up and down roller coaster. In my time of opening my heart to others, I have fallen in love, had my heart broken, married, divorced and dated myself. Love is not easy but it can be fun.... Or so I am told!

If I truly want to admit to myself about whom I have loved, it really has only been one. There are times where I mistaken feelings of lust for love but hind sight being 20/20, I now can see that those feelings were never actually love. Some of those feelings were my own desperation to want to love and be loved which ended in disaster. Never, ever push love because neither of you will ever be happy. 

So my post today is about leaving the past in the past... Meaning your ex or my exes at least. Almost 4 years ago, I met and fell in love with the man who still has my heart. Let's call him "Adam" since he looks like my #1 celeb crush Sdam Levine.  It ended badly the first time and it took me 3 years to date anyone seriously again. Don't get me wrong, I went on dates or would have "fun" with a guy (a girl has needs too) but I couldn't get past a few dates because I would find flaws in them. 

Then last January I met someone (let's call him Brown) I thought I could get serious despite the flaws that jumped at me, shouted at me and basically slapped me in the face. We dated and ended then he tried to apologize and try again. I thought about until I heard from Adam.... I was back in that whirlwind of love and with every call, every moment we spent together my heart fell harder and deeper. Until my birthday when it all ended and I have been broken hearted since that day.

During my 2 attempt with Adam, Brown tried to get back with me but nothing and no one could tear me from the love I felt in those months. After the breakup with Adam, Brown has come in and out of my life but has a hard time staying consistent. That is fatal flaw to me... If you can't find the time to take a couple of seconds to just text me then why should I put the effort out to create a life with you. 

After the heartbreak of Adam and the inconsistency of Brown, I have learned to keep the past in the past because when there are flaws it's rare someone will change to fix those flaws. Be happy for yourself not to be with someone. 

I'm not allowed to miss you

It's Friday night, I'm sitting here listening to classical music in an attempt to keep calm and reading a positive thinking book so that I don't dwell on the negative in my life. All of a sudden, the flood gates open and every tear that I have held back the past month appears as a long stream on salty, cold tears down my cheeks. Why today? It has been one month since you said your last words to me....

A breakup is hard but a breakup with someone the second time around and on your birthday is even harder... Or it has been for me. We have all been through a breakup or two or more and felt the pain and then just moved on as life moves on. This breakup hasn't been like the rest, I didn't go begging for reasons or another chance (don't tell me you haven't done this at least once!). Yes the desperate girl act in hopes that you won't lose him and everything will turn out perfect until they don't.... I have been in that cycle in the past but this time is so different.

I chalked up my calmness (there were moments of weakness and a few tears shed) to growing and evolving as a person.... Until tonight. Once I realized the date and the significance that marked one month since that dreadful night, I could no longer hold back the pain and tears. I cried for over an hour and just didn't know how to stop them. I know what I lost that night and I'm not saying I was at total fault for the push that shoved our relationship over the edge but I would never want to lose him from my life forever. 

Now I have no other choice but to be happy for him and whatever might be going on in his life because  tears and anger will never patch the gaping hole in my heart for losing not just the love I had but a friend that I will cherish forever. 

PS. Growing up sucks as much as being the bigger person! 

How Slow is a Slow Start?

As a Leo woman, I am used to falling for someone to hard and to fast, so dating a Taurus that likes to take things slow is out of my comfort zone. I am not the only Leo woman who is in love with love and the feeling of love more then the person they should love. Jennifer Lopez is the queen of Leo women who love felling love. She has gone through many marriages, engagements and relationships just to feel that amazing feeling of a man adoring you. For my whole dating life, I have been the same way.... Until now!

I have been dating "teacher" for over a month now and have been on dinner dates and sleepover dates but there is no rushing to feel to much because I can't read how he feels.... EVER! Being a Taurus (which is a first time for me), he likes to take thing slow and anazlyze everything. I'm used to the abundance of compliments, texts and feeling like I might be the one. The Teacher has me wondering if he going to answer my text, am I the only one he is dating or at least sleeping with or when will I see him again. Between his busy schedule and mine, our time together has been once every week or sometimes every 2 weeks. 

There is no denying that I crave more of his time and attention and the slow pace does frustrate me at times. There are moments where I feel like this is the right pace for us because I appreciate the time we do have together like when he fell asleep in my arms while watching a girlie movie. All I hope is that I can deal with the slow pace and keep my lioness calm for a while..... Happy Dating!

I Am Just A Girl With Feelings

 I am a girl with feelings which is what makes it so hard for me to date. My weakness is that when I feel something, I tend to fall hard and fast. I never look at the potential for hurt until I start feeling to much for a guy which I then proceed to find a way to make him break things off with me. Maybe it's my wall of insecurities or my own stupid girly ways or both but it's never going to land me the guy of my dreams. 

I go into this insecurity discussion because I am dating someone right now that is know as my Bad Boy... From the outside he is my perfect match! He is full of tattoos, has a beard, rides a bike ( yes totally hot even if I'm scared as hell to get back on a bike!) and is just so sexy to me and is just the ultimate bad boy. From the moment we started talking again, there was an instant connection I couldn't deny. We talked all day everyday for over a week though it felt like months. We talked about everything, even my darkest secrets which even some close friends don't know about me. Everything just felt right....

This is when I ruined my perfect man....

I turned into a girl in the worst possible way, I got jealous of his ex. I knew the situation from day 1 but the closer I got to him, the worse my brain twisted things in my head. I am firm believer that our thoughts create a reality. Well my nightmare of his ex getting close to him came true. He stopped talking to me cause I was flipping out with jealousy and as the mother of his child, his ex came before me. It hurt like hell because I then felt like I was just a fool for feeling something for him, telling him intimate things about myself and believing that when he said he felt the same it was true. His ex got jealous of me.... Which no lie felt good and in turn forced him to set boundaries with her. Problem was he still didn't want me....

Or so I thought! We ended up talking things out and I learned that I need to take a step back from the hot and heavy even if he is indulging my heart with loving things. One of the important things to him is that I don't punish him for what my exes have done in the past. We spent the day together which was amazing but I can still feel things are different. I am just a girl with feelings, it's hard to change my old ways but for him I'm willing to try.