I'm not allowed to miss you

It's Friday night, I'm sitting here listening to classical music in an attempt to keep calm and reading a positive thinking book so that I don't dwell on the negative in my life. All of a sudden, the flood gates open and every tear that I have held back the past month appears as a long stream on salty, cold tears down my cheeks. Why today? It has been one month since you said your last words to me....

A breakup is hard but a breakup with someone the second time around and on your birthday is even harder... Or it has been for me. We have all been through a breakup or two or more and felt the pain and then just moved on as life moves on. This breakup hasn't been like the rest, I didn't go begging for reasons or another chance (don't tell me you haven't done this at least once!). Yes the desperate girl act in hopes that you won't lose him and everything will turn out perfect until they don't.... I have been in that cycle in the past but this time is so different.

I chalked up my calmness (there were moments of weakness and a few tears shed) to growing and evolving as a person.... Until tonight. Once I realized the date and the significance that marked one month since that dreadful night, I could no longer hold back the pain and tears. I cried for over an hour and just didn't know how to stop them. I know what I lost that night and I'm not saying I was at total fault for the push that shoved our relationship over the edge but I would never want to lose him from my life forever. 

Now I have no other choice but to be happy for him and whatever might be going on in his life because  tears and anger will never patch the gaping hole in my heart for losing not just the love I had but a friend that I will cherish forever. 

PS. Growing up sucks as much as being the bigger person!