The Daily Anxiety Struggle

My heart starts racing, my body temperature rises and my mind is racing. Then, I struggle to catch my breath and I can't get control of my own body. This is the struggle I go through multiple times everyday but people around me don't see my struggle as something real. I am told that I just need to get my emotions under control or just calm myself down. If it was really that easy....

How does one just calm down? This is not a fight with someone that you calm down afterwards or getting angry and then calming down. No! This is a fight within myself. A fight with my body and my mind at the same time because my mind thinks that something is wrong so it tells my body to react like something is wrong when in reality nothing could be wrong or I am stuck worrying about something I have no control over.

So much of my life I want to control so when I feel like I am losing that control then the anxiety kicks into full gear. There are times when I have one long, day long anxiety attack that keeps me from being able to function at all but to the outside world I am just lazy. The difficulty breathing just means I need to taking a few breaths and do what I need to do. The heart racing just means I need to think about something else and the racing will go away. The mind racing just means I need to clear my mind of my thoughts and I will be ok.

Until you have lived with anxiety on the daily level, you can never truly understand what is going on with someone with anxiety. Each day is a struggle and medication does not always work. Things that have worked for me is journal writing, meditation and yoga (when I can find quiet time in my life) and drinking herbal teas that encourage calming effects. I hope one day I will find a way to cope with my anxiety better until that day I will fight a good fight and keep my chin up.

Don't Burn All Your Bridges

Last Summer was one of the hardest of my life and I paid for it dearly by losing someone I love and friends because I was getting in my own way. Ok that is kinda vague so let me explain....

Last Summer should have been a summer of love and happiness but I was dealing with my own personal demons like depression and anxiety that I was just a miserable person to be around. Nothing and no one was making me happy and I took it out on those that were closest to me. I would snap at people, not talk to people and just push them out of my life and blame them for what was really going on with me. I thought that I didn't need or want anyone in my life so life gave me what I "asked" for....

Due to my own toxic behavior and thoughts, I lost  the love of my life on my birthday (that is another blog post at another time). No he didn't die but it has felt like he has everyday since our last conversation which I haven't had the heart to delete from my phone. I was being selfish (which I still think every person has a small right to be selfish) and wanted our plans for my birthday to happen and he did what he always does, he pushed me away when things in his life got to hard.

After that things in my life just got worse and I pushed everyone away including my best friend who was there for me through some of the hardest parts of my life. I thought she would be happier to just not have the burden of me in her life so I pushed her away. I just stopped talking and she was upset and I just pushed her further away. It was not just me that I punished but our families as well because we were all very close.

This past week I was surprised to see a Facebook message from her asking if we could be friends again. Now that I am in a better spot mentally and spiritually, I said yes and we caught up on what's going on in our lives and our families. Then, we agreed to have coffee to chat in person. I will admit, I was as nervous as can be last night thinking about seeing her for the first time in 6 months.(thank goodness for a Xanax)!

Well, I just got back from having coffee with her and I am so happy that we got to chat. It was like old times again where we just talked like no time has passed. Living in the same town, I would try to avoid her and her family because I was ashamed of myself and my actions. Let me tell you it is hard to avoid people when you all shop in the same stores and her family works where you get gas! I ended up going out of my way to get gas and always looked over my shoulder when out shopping....

Learn a lesson from me and don't burn bridges! It is not worth losing people that care about you because you stand in your own way. They will understand what you are going through and help you through it if you tell them what is going on!

Say What Wednesday.... Foot Cardigan

So originally I was going to have Wednesdays be Wordlesss Wednesday but that just seems boring to me since I like no scratch that.... Love to talk! So this is my very first Say What Wednesday which will feature products that I love or can't live without! For our debut, I am featuring Foot Cardigan. 

I first saw Foot Cardigan on a rerun of Shark Tank one night and it caught both Danyella's eye and my own because we LOVE funky socks! Think of Pippi Longstocking and Punky Brewster and that's our mismatched, funky socks! The funnier or more outrageous the better!

So after one of the Sharks made a deal, we immediately opened my iPad and checked out their website. For $12 (with shipping) a month, I could get funky surprise socks each month.... say What?! I ordered a subscription for myself and for Danyella. For Danyella's socks, I opted for the gift wrap for $2 more.  Plus for a bonus there was a code for a free pair of socks so Score a Win for ME!

Danyella received her pair first which came in a pack of 2 and gift wrapped with a picture colored by a kid. As a mom, I thought this was an awesome idea. The next day my socks came. The socks were in funky patterns and thick which I like. The only problem was that only one pair came in my package so I emailed Customer Service. I found out that the kids socks all come in packs of 2 which is even better for the money and our free pairs would come sometime in January when there new line comes out. 

I now have 3 funky pairs of socks so far and a shipping notification for my February pair is on its way. The customer service is super nice and speedy in their responses (I ended up screwing up my subscription and only Danyella's socks came in January so they fixed it and sent a new pair ASAP to me). If you love socks or looking for a different gift to give for a birthday head to footcardigan.com  right now!! 

         This is the pair I received yesterday!

Walking into a Wall

"I love it when I go to the doctor's office and they tell me how I need to lower my stress level.... I am a single mom so there is no lowering my stress level right now." 

This has been the mind set I have had since my daughter was a baby and I went to the doctor for anxiety and depression. Here I was raising this baby who from the time she was born was awake every 2-3 hours until she was about 4 years old. As a toddler, all she wanted was Mommy to comfort her like when she was a baby and even going on 9 she does this on occasion still. 

I thought that as she would get older things aka life would get easier but it hasn't at all. If anything things became more stressful because instead of paying for diapers and formula now I was paying for dance lessons, recital fees, new dance shoes, clothes that got more expensive and the toys and gadgets that she wants. At 8 years old, I try to teach her the value of the dollar and how money doesn't grow on trees but then she sees her friends get all the things that she doesn't and feel left out which makes me feel like an epic fail of a mother. What parent doesn't want to give their child everything they desire and the memories that they will tell their grandchildren??

This is where I feel like I am walking into a wall because as much as I try to increase my income, it doesn't seem to be enough. I am a creative person at hear and a sales person by nature. I love to create and sell my products along with my other 2 sales business' but the only way I know how to expand requires the one thing I don't have.... a new, reliable car!

Before you go on to give me suggestions... my credit is in the dumps so no leasing a car, no I will not allow someone to co-sign for me and feel burdened to someone else, getting a "job" is outta the question due to not having transportation to get to said "job" and no I don't live in area that provides public transportation (you look out my window and all you see is trees and farmland). 

So there is my wall.... I feel like I cannot further my life the way it is but see no way of getting ahead. On a bright note..... I am grateful for the income that I do have, my loving, loyal customers and the business' that keep me afloat everyday. 

Celebrate Being Single

Valentines Day is all about love and couples so for the single ladies, we can feel very left out. Now it's not that I didn't want a Valentine or a boyfriend but this year I chose to love myself more then be miserable with the wrong person. 

Good ole Facebook reminded me of my poor love choices and the love I lost (aka the bad boy) with the new memories feature which stung for a minute. At least I was strong enough to keep the tears at bay while I scrolled through the good and bad memories like the year I was broken up with on Valentines Day. I'm not sure which is worse being broken up with on Valentine's Day, the day of love or My Birthday, the day to celebrate my life. 

My daughter and mother gave me Valentines candy but it's not enough to wallow in my sorrows of being single on the day of love as I watch everyone else get married or engaged on Valentines Day. Thanks again Facebook! So today I am making an investment into my own happiness and buying the leftover, discounted Valetines candy! Let's celebrate being single by eating chocolate and being merry! 

Expanding my horizons

Since I am unable to crochet like I used to due to my neck injury, I am looking what else I can make. I have lived in the world of crochet hats and scarves for years now and recently was asked to create a baby layette set. After creating this adorable sweater, booty and hat set, I began to think that I would love to expand my crocheting horizons. 

Today I was looking through my collections of crochet patterns that I have collected for the past 9 years (it's quite large!) and found some adorable baby patterns that I am going to begin. I bought Unforgettable yarn after seeing people rave about it but had no idea what to make. This pattern for a baby layette with sweater, hat and blanket set just called my name!  I will need to purchase more yarn but this is going to be super cute! After I'm finished I will be posting this for sale in my shopify store so be on the look out! 

Happy Valentines Day and be creative!

 

Maui, Hawaii

Wordless Wednesday: Maui, Hawaii