One Sided Love

Where to begin? So much has happened in the past few months, so many changes for the better. If they are for the better then why do I feel filled with anxiety and fear? In the past few months, I met the man I believe is the man I have waited 35 years to come into my life and fell in love with him. I should be throwing up sunshine and rainbows right? I wish I was right now!

Why am I not throwing up sunshine and rainbows since I have fallen in love with the man of my dreams? One simple answer.... Fear! I am so afraid of getting hurt that it's hard to let myself completely be happy. For almost a whole day I allowed myself to be happy and smile but I was knocked back down real fast. I was reminded that I'm the one in love in this relationship not him. How in the hell did I let this happen?

I have been so good at keeping myself at arms length in past relationships but with this one, I have lost all control of my feelings. This is the scariest thing in the world because how do you allow the relationship continue knowing you are the only one who has these feelings without getting hurt. This is where I am at right now. I know I love him but how much will it hurt if he never loves me back. I've been given the excuse that his actions speak louder than words but it hurts like hell not hearing those 3 little words that I've never told anyone and actually meant it... Until him!

I don't think he realizes how big of a deal he is to be in my life, let alone allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that no man wants to love me? 

Goals aka Becoming an Adult

Everyone makes a joke out "adulting" but I have to say the past couple of weeks this "adulting" or becoming an adult thing has really hit home for me. For the past 10 years I have lived on and off with my parents which any adult, especially with children, is hard as hell because you automatically become a child again. This past year has been a struggle because I became a recluse where I didn't want to go outside of the house for anything. Both depression and anxiety set it in horrible, horrible ways and I just started coming out of it which means I want to become an adult again!

How the hell do I become an adult after all of this closure within my own life and mind? I have let many of my friends fall out of my life. No relationship so no man to share my life with. No goals to live out my life except to get through the current day long enough to go to sleep again. People don't understand what life is like when you suffer from depression or anxiety and forget it when you suffer from both. The anxiety makes you fear everything which then spirals into depression and which then makes you never want to leave the spot you are currently sitting in. This was an ongoing cycle that I couldn't break but I finally took a stand for myself and things have started to change.... I am on my way to becoming an Adult (again!).

So this goals thing that is in my title.... One way that I was able to get my arse off the couch and make my way to becoming an adult was to set myself goals. I have run 2 successful business through this depression and anxiety but I will not lie they suffered big time which means I suffered financial set backs. So first thing was first.... find a job! Found a job waitressing which I have done in the past and loved but worried my neck problems would effect my ability to work. Yes I do have some major pain after my shifts but I love it. Finding this job has helped me recoup my money loss and find my self confidence again. I found out that some of my co-workers suffer from the same anxiety issues that I do which makes me feel not so alone anymore.

Next goal is finding a place to live.... this is in the works but I will keep you all updated on this long, long search
Goal after that one.... buy a new car!
Goal after that.... take a vacation!
Goal to happen at anytime.... find love again!

Becoming an adult isn't easy but it is time for me to grow up and stand up to my depression and anxiety before it eats me alive. If you suffer from one or both of these things just remember you are not alone!

Try Try Again

So I didn't make it through the first day of Whole 30! Around midnight on day one, I just couldn't fight the urge to eat something sugary. My hands were shaking, I couldn't sleep and the taste of just one Samoa Girl Scout cookie was to much for me. So I dug around to find my stash of Girl Scout cookies and ate just 1 cookie. Then I ate a Cadbury egg! Yikes I know!

I know that not every diet or way of life is for everyone so Whole30 might not be for me or at least right now. This experience did teach me not to quit though. I bought all the ingredients for a good salad and to eat healthy so I need to focus on the healthy eating aspect of my food habits. Yes cutting out all cookies or candy would be for the best but right now I need to learn the art of self control and limiting the amount of junk food I eat. Last night, I ate the same "bad foods" but not the other junk food that I craved all day.

What I am learning to do is replace some of the bad cravings with decent snacks like nuts or dried cranberries. I might not be able to go cold turkey with sugar but I can limit myself and keep trying to live healthier every day. Remember you are not alone in the struggle against food. Yes eating junk is cheaper and easier but your body will feel better when you get a special treat instead of eating it all day everyday.

Start of Whole30

The past couple of months, I have been suffering from what I thought IBS problems including dire pains that make me want to just die. I couldn't eat anything out because I was afraid that I wouldn't make it through the meal without having an issue. A friend of mine had talked on her Facebook about doing the Whole30 so I asked some questions and did my research. The Whole30 sounds like the detox my body needs and will help me find my trigger foods.

Whole30 isn't a diet but more of a lifestyle to make you feel better from the inside out. They don't like to be called a diet because a diet is for people looking to lose weight and that is not their goal for Whole30 eaters. Their goal is to have people love their bodies and feel good about their body no matter what weight they are. This was perfect for me!

I read the book, did online research and talked to people in Facebook chat groups about Whole30 and their experiences with it. People that have done it have loved it. Some people go longer, some people do it over again because they lost their way with food and need the reboost. If I lose weight that will be an added bonus but right now I want to look at how I can feel better especially since eating is a necessity and I used to enjoy it.

I went to the grocery store this morning and bought some of the staples like almond butter and coconut flour plus enough fruits and veggies for a week. I am having fun finding recipes on pinterest but this will be a real challenge for me because I cannot consume sugar. Sugar, chocolate especially, is my downfall. When I need a pick me up, I reach for a sugary snack. When its late at night and I can't sleep, I reach for a sugary snack. I have survived a late breakfast/early lunch and snack so far but the real challenge will be tonight.

If you have experienced Whole30 please comment your experience below! I would love to hear from others about this!

Have you found Passion?

The past few weeks I have been struggling with passion because I feel no real passion in my life. This has caused me to doubt my decisions, my life and my future. Many people know that I run 3 businesses: my handmade business, my tea business and my makeup business. I love each of these in very unique ways because each bring happiness into my life in their each, individual ways.

After coming back from a day trip in New York City, I missed the excitement of city life. I grew up in the country but always felt at home being in the city and around other people. My life right now is very secluded and lonely which contributes to my depression and unhappiness in my current life. I love selling tea and I have built a very nice team of tea lovers. My customers love my individual customer service and perks that I offer to them. I look at tea as making inside of my body beautiful while my makeup business makes the outside of my body beautiful.

The past week, things have occurred with the makeup company that have made me doubt if this company is the right fit for me. To start, I noticed that my upline and the rest of the team she built started sharing products from a competing makeup company. Then I realized that the whole team went and joined this company. So how does one feel when someone who sponsored you and supposed to be your support in this business leaves for a competing company? That is where the doubts started....

Then I was following a Facebook friend who was posting about her concerns over fellow consultants of the makeup business not being very welcoming to her because she runs more then one business including a skincare, pampering company which she has had much success in running before joining the makeup company. She shared her unhappiness of the way these consultants treated her. Well not even a day later, a consultant contact the makeup company's compliance department and reported this girl for selling for the skincare company (which doesn't sell any makeup). The makeup company made her decide us or them. Well she made the right decision and left the makeup company just 3 days after joining! This made my thoughts wonder because the the tea company selling tea infused soap aka skincare so will someone report me and make me choose??

Today, a friend of mine and fellow makeup consultant brought a post in our elite group that put down the consultants that run more then one business and my upline agreed with her. That was basically the nail in the coffin of doubts for me. I know that each of my business' contribute to my passion, my passion for life, my passion for art, my passion for beauty, my passion for the things I love. I know where I want to go in my life, that I want people that are willing to support me by my side and I will not allow the negativity to invade me life any longer.

My passion is for art and beauty in the life that surrounds all of us everyday. I see the world as art and I want to make the world a beautiful work of art with my passion.

The Daily Anxiety Struggle

My heart starts racing, my body temperature rises and my mind is racing. Then, I struggle to catch my breath and I can't get control of my own body. This is the struggle I go through multiple times everyday but people around me don't see my struggle as something real. I am told that I just need to get my emotions under control or just calm myself down. If it was really that easy....

How does one just calm down? This is not a fight with someone that you calm down afterwards or getting angry and then calming down. No! This is a fight within myself. A fight with my body and my mind at the same time because my mind thinks that something is wrong so it tells my body to react like something is wrong when in reality nothing could be wrong or I am stuck worrying about something I have no control over.

So much of my life I want to control so when I feel like I am losing that control then the anxiety kicks into full gear. There are times when I have one long, day long anxiety attack that keeps me from being able to function at all but to the outside world I am just lazy. The difficulty breathing just means I need to taking a few breaths and do what I need to do. The heart racing just means I need to think about something else and the racing will go away. The mind racing just means I need to clear my mind of my thoughts and I will be ok.

Until you have lived with anxiety on the daily level, you can never truly understand what is going on with someone with anxiety. Each day is a struggle and medication does not always work. Things that have worked for me is journal writing, meditation and yoga (when I can find quiet time in my life) and drinking herbal teas that encourage calming effects. I hope one day I will find a way to cope with my anxiety better until that day I will fight a good fight and keep my chin up.

Don't Burn All Your Bridges

Last Summer was one of the hardest of my life and I paid for it dearly by losing someone I love and friends because I was getting in my own way. Ok that is kinda vague so let me explain....

Last Summer should have been a summer of love and happiness but I was dealing with my own personal demons like depression and anxiety that I was just a miserable person to be around. Nothing and no one was making me happy and I took it out on those that were closest to me. I would snap at people, not talk to people and just push them out of my life and blame them for what was really going on with me. I thought that I didn't need or want anyone in my life so life gave me what I "asked" for....

Due to my own toxic behavior and thoughts, I lost  the love of my life on my birthday (that is another blog post at another time). No he didn't die but it has felt like he has everyday since our last conversation which I haven't had the heart to delete from my phone. I was being selfish (which I still think every person has a small right to be selfish) and wanted our plans for my birthday to happen and he did what he always does, he pushed me away when things in his life got to hard.

After that things in my life just got worse and I pushed everyone away including my best friend who was there for me through some of the hardest parts of my life. I thought she would be happier to just not have the burden of me in her life so I pushed her away. I just stopped talking and she was upset and I just pushed her further away. It was not just me that I punished but our families as well because we were all very close.

This past week I was surprised to see a Facebook message from her asking if we could be friends again. Now that I am in a better spot mentally and spiritually, I said yes and we caught up on what's going on in our lives and our families. Then, we agreed to have coffee to chat in person. I will admit, I was as nervous as can be last night thinking about seeing her for the first time in 6 months.(thank goodness for a Xanax)!

Well, I just got back from having coffee with her and I am so happy that we got to chat. It was like old times again where we just talked like no time has passed. Living in the same town, I would try to avoid her and her family because I was ashamed of myself and my actions. Let me tell you it is hard to avoid people when you all shop in the same stores and her family works where you get gas! I ended up going out of my way to get gas and always looked over my shoulder when out shopping....

Learn a lesson from me and don't burn bridges! It is not worth losing people that care about you because you stand in your own way. They will understand what you are going through and help you through it if you tell them what is going on!