I'm not allowed to miss you

It's Friday night, I'm sitting here listening to classical music in an attempt to keep calm and reading a positive thinking book so that I don't dwell on the negative in my life. All of a sudden, the flood gates open and every tear that I have held back the past month appears as a long stream on salty, cold tears down my cheeks. Why today? It has been one month since you said your last words to me....

A breakup is hard but a breakup with someone the second time around and on your birthday is even harder... Or it has been for me. We have all been through a breakup or two or more and felt the pain and then just moved on as life moves on. This breakup hasn't been like the rest, I didn't go begging for reasons or another chance (don't tell me you haven't done this at least once!). Yes the desperate girl act in hopes that you won't lose him and everything will turn out perfect until they don't.... I have been in that cycle in the past but this time is so different.

I chalked up my calmness (there were moments of weakness and a few tears shed) to growing and evolving as a person.... Until tonight. Once I realized the date and the significance that marked one month since that dreadful night, I could no longer hold back the pain and tears. I cried for over an hour and just didn't know how to stop them. I know what I lost that night and I'm not saying I was at total fault for the push that shoved our relationship over the edge but I would never want to lose him from my life forever. 

Now I have no other choice but to be happy for him and whatever might be going on in his life because  tears and anger will never patch the gaping hole in my heart for losing not just the love I had but a friend that I will cherish forever. 

PS. Growing up sucks as much as being the bigger person! 

Never Regret Your Past

Everyone grows from the situations they have experienced in life and I am no different from the rest. To say life has been a struggle is putting it mildly, to say the least. A single mom with health issues is a struggle all on its own then add other people into the mix and life becomes complicated, messy and drama filled (not all my own but I have been a contributing factor in some of the drama). 

I have lived with anger, guilt and regret (nearly daily) for over 20 years now. I am not putting my age out there but let's just say the anger started as a child.... (You can guess my age now). How could I not be angry? The girls who were Daddy's Little Girl would make me green with envy because my own father had nothing to do with me. As I have grown and experienced one to many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I have learned that my anger towards my father has sculpted my actions in my relationships (romantic or otherwise but mainly romantic). In each relationship, I waited for them to leave me like my father did and one by one they did. Some were nicer about leaving then others but each have taught me a lesson or two about what I want (or don't want) in a relationship.

Lessons help us grow as a person and as a soul. The anger I have lived with for so many years would creep up with each man and eventually they would leave and I was left angrier then I was before them. Was it their fault? I'm not saying I dated the best men.....they each had/have their own issues to deal with but why be angry with them when they see what I needed at the time. I had a need for them to treat me like they did to fulfill my own anger filled self-prophecy.... I am not worthy of Love. 

It's not their fault I felt like this but it's my fault for letting it happen. With the anger I felt from my father, as a child, as an adult I projected it onto people that were incapable of loving me. I will always be grateful for the good times and memories I had with them but I finally got to a point where I can let go of the anger I feel towards them. As for my father and myself.... That's a work in progress so stay tuned! 

Kissing Some Toads

                      

 A few days ago, I was having a conversation with someone that I have somewhat dated on and off for the past 4 years about why I am always dating others guys. The simplest way I could put it was I need to kiss a lot of toads to find my prince. That's right now frogs but ugly, warty toads because after we breakup that's what my exes look like to me from the way they treated me. I mean seriously, what break up is a clean, non emotional breakup?? If you say you have had one then you are lying to me and more importantly yourself!

In any breakup, someone gets hurts, feels bitter and wants to seek revenge. Ok, ok that last part might just be me but like the saying goes "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"! 

Back to the original conversation, "Larry" and I have been on and off dating for 4 years because he has commitment issues (sorry if you read this but unfortunately the truth hurts). As I have been off dating, fell in love with someone, had my heart broken, dated more toads, fell in love with same person again (subject of another blog) and was broken up with on my Birthday a few weeks ago (did you keep up with all of that??), Larry felt like we have been kinda dating this whole time!!

This dating, as he sees it, consisted of occasional texts or phone calls usually around holidays or birthdays (when single people feel the loneliness) and attempting to have 4 dates a year. This dating, to me, is more of a friends with benefits (yes we would have sex on occasion and yes it was good) relationship. The benefits, whether it be sex or snuggling or just a friend to talk to, are something I see as a friend relationship.

As our conversation ended, I said I want a future with someone to share the little things in life with and talk about my day with which at 34 years old is not out of the ordinary for person (male or female) to desire.if that means I need to kiss (not have sex with) a thousand toads to find my prince then that is what I will do for my forever love. He never responded to what I said but it shows the difference in what people will settle for in their lives. I know what I want and I will never settle for less then that for anyone and neither should you! 

How Slow is a Slow Start?

As a Leo woman, I am used to falling for someone to hard and to fast, so dating a Taurus that likes to take things slow is out of my comfort zone. I am not the only Leo woman who is in love with love and the feeling of love more then the person they should love. Jennifer Lopez is the queen of Leo women who love felling love. She has gone through many marriages, engagements and relationships just to feel that amazing feeling of a man adoring you. For my whole dating life, I have been the same way.... Until now!

I have been dating "teacher" for over a month now and have been on dinner dates and sleepover dates but there is no rushing to feel to much because I can't read how he feels.... EVER! Being a Taurus (which is a first time for me), he likes to take thing slow and anazlyze everything. I'm used to the abundance of compliments, texts and feeling like I might be the one. The Teacher has me wondering if he going to answer my text, am I the only one he is dating or at least sleeping with or when will I see him again. Between his busy schedule and mine, our time together has been once every week or sometimes every 2 weeks. 

There is no denying that I crave more of his time and attention and the slow pace does frustrate me at times. There are moments where I feel like this is the right pace for us because I appreciate the time we do have together like when he fell asleep in my arms while watching a girlie movie. All I hope is that I can deal with the slow pace and keep my lioness calm for a while..... Happy Dating!

First Date Anxiety

This week of online dating/talking has been an adventure... to say the least! I have been contacted by over 50 guys, most not in my profile description, but talked to about 20. I am not sure what the point of the profile is because it seems like the guys don't read it at all. The ones that I would have no interest in dating were quite persistent but I just ignored them because it would go no where. I gave my number to text to a few of the guys and set up a couple of dates. 

Over the weekend, one of the guys came to visit my booth and meet me at my show, which was terrifying for me. I haven't had to do a blind date thing for years so to meet someone while I am working is a bit more awkward. "Tree guy" came down as I was packing up on Saturday so we talked for a few minutes then he came back the next day for an hour or so. I felt a bit like a fool because I was dressed up in a Victorian outfit with NO MAKEUP!  Everyone around thought he was cute and kind. I enjoyed talking to him until I found out that another guy I was talking to decided to come down and meet me... at the same time "tree guy" was there. Only I would end up in that situation! 

Well, I saw the guy walk by but he didn't recognize me because I was dressed up and didn't look like "me". Now I know why people say blind dating is so terrifying because this guy didn't look like his pictures. He looked much older then 40 and heavier then the slimmer pictures on his profile. So, I avoided his texts and he didn't meet me. I felt so guilty but I didn't want to make the situation anymore awkward or lead him on to thinking that the meeting would lead to a date. Yes, mean of me but I am better at avoiding then confronting uncomfortable situations.  Plus, Tree Guy and I had a good laugh over it. 

Overall, I am finding online dating terrifying but a little fun. It is nice to have some adult interaction and hoping my first dates will be fun. Now, on Tuesdays you will get to find out about my world of single mom dating..... 

To Love or Stay Single?

When I go to activities for my daughter or church, people hear I am single and feel pity for me. It is always "the right one will come" or "that is ashame because a man could really help you out". I don't see the pity in being single. Actually, I have enjoyed living a pretty drama free life for the past year (kinda sorta a year). My life of dating has been horrible since my divorce 9 years ago. I have found deadbeats that don't want to work, guys still in love with their exes, guys with psycho exes (the kinda sorta last guy I dated) and my favorite of all... addicts that can't remember what the truth really is (my main attraction). So living a single life has worked for me this past year and has given me time to find out who I am without a guy (I have been dating since I was 13) and find out what I want in a relationship. 

As I see my friends all going off getting married and having their first babies (yes, I did this much younger then them), I am getting that slight pang of wonder... am I missing something? Don't get me wrong, I would love to find "the right guy" but part of me doesn't want to go through the drama of the wrong guys along the way. So last night, I decided it is time to at least start dating. Nothing serious just a few fun dates to get to know someone better and give me a chance to see how the new me is around guys. Since most of my friends and their friends are all married, I decided to try online dating. One site that was recommended to me that was free (yes, I don't want to pay to talk to someone) was Plenty of Fish. Within an hour, I had tons of views, messages and want to meet alerts. I talked to a few guys but I am going to take this sllllooooowwwww! Get ready for the bumpy ride of single mom dating!