One Sided Love

Where to begin? So much has happened in the past few months, so many changes for the better. If they are for the better then why do I feel filled with anxiety and fear? In the past few months, I met the man I believe is the man I have waited 35 years to come into my life and fell in love with him. I should be throwing up sunshine and rainbows right? I wish I was right now!

Why am I not throwing up sunshine and rainbows since I have fallen in love with the man of my dreams? One simple answer.... Fear! I am so afraid of getting hurt that it's hard to let myself completely be happy. For almost a whole day I allowed myself to be happy and smile but I was knocked back down real fast. I was reminded that I'm the one in love in this relationship not him. How in the hell did I let this happen?

I have been so good at keeping myself at arms length in past relationships but with this one, I have lost all control of my feelings. This is the scariest thing in the world because how do you allow the relationship continue knowing you are the only one who has these feelings without getting hurt. This is where I am at right now. I know I love him but how much will it hurt if he never loves me back. I've been given the excuse that his actions speak louder than words but it hurts like hell not hearing those 3 little words that I've never told anyone and actually meant it... Until him!

I don't think he realizes how big of a deal he is to be in my life, let alone allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that no man wants to love me? 

Never Regret Your Past

Everyone grows from the situations they have experienced in life and I am no different from the rest. To say life has been a struggle is putting it mildly, to say the least. A single mom with health issues is a struggle all on its own then add other people into the mix and life becomes complicated, messy and drama filled (not all my own but I have been a contributing factor in some of the drama). 

I have lived with anger, guilt and regret (nearly daily) for over 20 years now. I am not putting my age out there but let's just say the anger started as a child.... (You can guess my age now). How could I not be angry? The girls who were Daddy's Little Girl would make me green with envy because my own father had nothing to do with me. As I have grown and experienced one to many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I have learned that my anger towards my father has sculpted my actions in my relationships (romantic or otherwise but mainly romantic). In each relationship, I waited for them to leave me like my father did and one by one they did. Some were nicer about leaving then others but each have taught me a lesson or two about what I want (or don't want) in a relationship.

Lessons help us grow as a person and as a soul. The anger I have lived with for so many years would creep up with each man and eventually they would leave and I was left angrier then I was before them. Was it their fault? I'm not saying I dated the best men.....they each had/have their own issues to deal with but why be angry with them when they see what I needed at the time. I had a need for them to treat me like they did to fulfill my own anger filled self-prophecy.... I am not worthy of Love. 

It's not their fault I felt like this but it's my fault for letting it happen. With the anger I felt from my father, as a child, as an adult I projected it onto people that were incapable of loving me. I will always be grateful for the good times and memories I had with them but I finally got to a point where I can let go of the anger I feel towards them. As for my father and myself.... That's a work in progress so stay tuned! 

Faith Over Fear Inspirational Wednesday

This wall plaque was recently given to me because it was my colors without realizing I also collect quotes. I love quotes because words are so strong. Words can change a person's life. You can read something and smile, cry, become angry or be inspired to do something great!

The quote "Let your Faith be bigger than your Fear." is something that speaks to me because being a single mom that works for herself is a scary thing. The days that I have doubts about what I am doing, I just keep faith in God and in myself that I am doing the best that I can do for myself and for my daughter. Faith is not just having faith in God which most people think when they hear that word. Faith can be in anything you believe bigger then yourself. Faith can be in other people. Faith can be in yourself which is something you should always possess because you are wonderful!

So go through your day having faith that you are doing the best you can for you and let go of your fears. 

Dr. Seuss to Brighten Your Wednesday

Today is Inspirational Wednesday and I came across this picture yesterday on Pinterest in the Do It Yourself section but the quote is what spoke to me. I am a HUGE quote person because words speak to my heart. I know that people have the sayings like "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" or "Actions speak louder then words" but to me words speak to your heart and soul in a way that actions will never be able to. 

I am an avid book reader and have been since I was young because the words on those pages told me things that adults couldn't show me. Even now, I become enraptured in a story because those words are showing and telling me that someone in my life has not been able to. Lily has inherited my love of books especially Dr. Seuss books so this quote by him seems very fitting at the moment. As a single mom that works for herself, there are always mountains to climb and stresses to relieve. Some days are easier then others but each day has its challenges especially on one income. Each day has its small blessings that I get to look forward to as I  am on my way to great places.  As the Dr. Seuss says, today is my day and my mountain is waiting to be climbed! Go climb your mountain today!