One Sided Love

Where to begin? So much has happened in the past few months, so many changes for the better. If they are for the better then why do I feel filled with anxiety and fear? In the past few months, I met the man I believe is the man I have waited 35 years to come into my life and fell in love with him. I should be throwing up sunshine and rainbows right? I wish I was right now!

Why am I not throwing up sunshine and rainbows since I have fallen in love with the man of my dreams? One simple answer.... Fear! I am so afraid of getting hurt that it's hard to let myself completely be happy. For almost a whole day I allowed myself to be happy and smile but I was knocked back down real fast. I was reminded that I'm the one in love in this relationship not him. How in the hell did I let this happen?

I have been so good at keeping myself at arms length in past relationships but with this one, I have lost all control of my feelings. This is the scariest thing in the world because how do you allow the relationship continue knowing you are the only one who has these feelings without getting hurt. This is where I am at right now. I know I love him but how much will it hurt if he never loves me back. I've been given the excuse that his actions speak louder than words but it hurts like hell not hearing those 3 little words that I've never told anyone and actually meant it... Until him!

I don't think he realizes how big of a deal he is to be in my life, let alone allowing myself to fall in love with him. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that no man wants to love me? 

Goals aka Becoming an Adult

Everyone makes a joke out "adulting" but I have to say the past couple of weeks this "adulting" or becoming an adult thing has really hit home for me. For the past 10 years I have lived on and off with my parents which any adult, especially with children, is hard as hell because you automatically become a child again. This past year has been a struggle because I became a recluse where I didn't want to go outside of the house for anything. Both depression and anxiety set it in horrible, horrible ways and I just started coming out of it which means I want to become an adult again!

How the hell do I become an adult after all of this closure within my own life and mind? I have let many of my friends fall out of my life. No relationship so no man to share my life with. No goals to live out my life except to get through the current day long enough to go to sleep again. People don't understand what life is like when you suffer from depression or anxiety and forget it when you suffer from both. The anxiety makes you fear everything which then spirals into depression and which then makes you never want to leave the spot you are currently sitting in. This was an ongoing cycle that I couldn't break but I finally took a stand for myself and things have started to change.... I am on my way to becoming an Adult (again!).

So this goals thing that is in my title.... One way that I was able to get my arse off the couch and make my way to becoming an adult was to set myself goals. I have run 2 successful business through this depression and anxiety but I will not lie they suffered big time which means I suffered financial set backs. So first thing was first.... find a job! Found a job waitressing which I have done in the past and loved but worried my neck problems would effect my ability to work. Yes I do have some major pain after my shifts but I love it. Finding this job has helped me recoup my money loss and find my self confidence again. I found out that some of my co-workers suffer from the same anxiety issues that I do which makes me feel not so alone anymore.

Next goal is finding a place to live.... this is in the works but I will keep you all updated on this long, long search
Goal after that one.... buy a new car!
Goal after that.... take a vacation!
Goal to happen at anytime.... find love again!

Becoming an adult isn't easy but it is time for me to grow up and stand up to my depression and anxiety before it eats me alive. If you suffer from one or both of these things just remember you are not alone!

Try Try Again

So I didn't make it through the first day of Whole 30! Around midnight on day one, I just couldn't fight the urge to eat something sugary. My hands were shaking, I couldn't sleep and the taste of just one Samoa Girl Scout cookie was to much for me. So I dug around to find my stash of Girl Scout cookies and ate just 1 cookie. Then I ate a Cadbury egg! Yikes I know!

I know that not every diet or way of life is for everyone so Whole30 might not be for me or at least right now. This experience did teach me not to quit though. I bought all the ingredients for a good salad and to eat healthy so I need to focus on the healthy eating aspect of my food habits. Yes cutting out all cookies or candy would be for the best but right now I need to learn the art of self control and limiting the amount of junk food I eat. Last night, I ate the same "bad foods" but not the other junk food that I craved all day.

What I am learning to do is replace some of the bad cravings with decent snacks like nuts or dried cranberries. I might not be able to go cold turkey with sugar but I can limit myself and keep trying to live healthier every day. Remember you are not alone in the struggle against food. Yes eating junk is cheaper and easier but your body will feel better when you get a special treat instead of eating it all day everyday.

Start of Whole30

The past couple of months, I have been suffering from what I thought IBS problems including dire pains that make me want to just die. I couldn't eat anything out because I was afraid that I wouldn't make it through the meal without having an issue. A friend of mine had talked on her Facebook about doing the Whole30 so I asked some questions and did my research. The Whole30 sounds like the detox my body needs and will help me find my trigger foods.

Whole30 isn't a diet but more of a lifestyle to make you feel better from the inside out. They don't like to be called a diet because a diet is for people looking to lose weight and that is not their goal for Whole30 eaters. Their goal is to have people love their bodies and feel good about their body no matter what weight they are. This was perfect for me!

I read the book, did online research and talked to people in Facebook chat groups about Whole30 and their experiences with it. People that have done it have loved it. Some people go longer, some people do it over again because they lost their way with food and need the reboost. If I lose weight that will be an added bonus but right now I want to look at how I can feel better especially since eating is a necessity and I used to enjoy it.

I went to the grocery store this morning and bought some of the staples like almond butter and coconut flour plus enough fruits and veggies for a week. I am having fun finding recipes on pinterest but this will be a real challenge for me because I cannot consume sugar. Sugar, chocolate especially, is my downfall. When I need a pick me up, I reach for a sugary snack. When its late at night and I can't sleep, I reach for a sugary snack. I have survived a late breakfast/early lunch and snack so far but the real challenge will be tonight.

If you have experienced Whole30 please comment your experience below! I would love to hear from others about this!

The Daily Anxiety Struggle

My heart starts racing, my body temperature rises and my mind is racing. Then, I struggle to catch my breath and I can't get control of my own body. This is the struggle I go through multiple times everyday but people around me don't see my struggle as something real. I am told that I just need to get my emotions under control or just calm myself down. If it was really that easy....

How does one just calm down? This is not a fight with someone that you calm down afterwards or getting angry and then calming down. No! This is a fight within myself. A fight with my body and my mind at the same time because my mind thinks that something is wrong so it tells my body to react like something is wrong when in reality nothing could be wrong or I am stuck worrying about something I have no control over.

So much of my life I want to control so when I feel like I am losing that control then the anxiety kicks into full gear. There are times when I have one long, day long anxiety attack that keeps me from being able to function at all but to the outside world I am just lazy. The difficulty breathing just means I need to taking a few breaths and do what I need to do. The heart racing just means I need to think about something else and the racing will go away. The mind racing just means I need to clear my mind of my thoughts and I will be ok.

Until you have lived with anxiety on the daily level, you can never truly understand what is going on with someone with anxiety. Each day is a struggle and medication does not always work. Things that have worked for me is journal writing, meditation and yoga (when I can find quiet time in my life) and drinking herbal teas that encourage calming effects. I hope one day I will find a way to cope with my anxiety better until that day I will fight a good fight and keep my chin up.

Don't Burn All Your Bridges

Last Summer was one of the hardest of my life and I paid for it dearly by losing someone I love and friends because I was getting in my own way. Ok that is kinda vague so let me explain....

Last Summer should have been a summer of love and happiness but I was dealing with my own personal demons like depression and anxiety that I was just a miserable person to be around. Nothing and no one was making me happy and I took it out on those that were closest to me. I would snap at people, not talk to people and just push them out of my life and blame them for what was really going on with me. I thought that I didn't need or want anyone in my life so life gave me what I "asked" for....

Due to my own toxic behavior and thoughts, I lost  the love of my life on my birthday (that is another blog post at another time). No he didn't die but it has felt like he has everyday since our last conversation which I haven't had the heart to delete from my phone. I was being selfish (which I still think every person has a small right to be selfish) and wanted our plans for my birthday to happen and he did what he always does, he pushed me away when things in his life got to hard.

After that things in my life just got worse and I pushed everyone away including my best friend who was there for me through some of the hardest parts of my life. I thought she would be happier to just not have the burden of me in her life so I pushed her away. I just stopped talking and she was upset and I just pushed her further away. It was not just me that I punished but our families as well because we were all very close.

This past week I was surprised to see a Facebook message from her asking if we could be friends again. Now that I am in a better spot mentally and spiritually, I said yes and we caught up on what's going on in our lives and our families. Then, we agreed to have coffee to chat in person. I will admit, I was as nervous as can be last night thinking about seeing her for the first time in 6 months.(thank goodness for a Xanax)!

Well, I just got back from having coffee with her and I am so happy that we got to chat. It was like old times again where we just talked like no time has passed. Living in the same town, I would try to avoid her and her family because I was ashamed of myself and my actions. Let me tell you it is hard to avoid people when you all shop in the same stores and her family works where you get gas! I ended up going out of my way to get gas and always looked over my shoulder when out shopping....

Learn a lesson from me and don't burn bridges! It is not worth losing people that care about you because you stand in your own way. They will understand what you are going through and help you through it if you tell them what is going on!

Say What Wednesday.... Foot Cardigan

So originally I was going to have Wednesdays be Wordlesss Wednesday but that just seems boring to me since I like no scratch that.... Love to talk! So this is my very first Say What Wednesday which will feature products that I love or can't live without! For our debut, I am featuring Foot Cardigan. 

I first saw Foot Cardigan on a rerun of Shark Tank one night and it caught both Danyella's eye and my own because we LOVE funky socks! Think of Pippi Longstocking and Punky Brewster and that's our mismatched, funky socks! The funnier or more outrageous the better!

So after one of the Sharks made a deal, we immediately opened my iPad and checked out their website. For $12 (with shipping) a month, I could get funky surprise socks each month.... say What?! I ordered a subscription for myself and for Danyella. For Danyella's socks, I opted for the gift wrap for $2 more.  Plus for a bonus there was a code for a free pair of socks so Score a Win for ME!

Danyella received her pair first which came in a pack of 2 and gift wrapped with a picture colored by a kid. As a mom, I thought this was an awesome idea. The next day my socks came. The socks were in funky patterns and thick which I like. The only problem was that only one pair came in my package so I emailed Customer Service. I found out that the kids socks all come in packs of 2 which is even better for the money and our free pairs would come sometime in January when there new line comes out. 

I now have 3 funky pairs of socks so far and a shipping notification for my February pair is on its way. The customer service is super nice and speedy in their responses (I ended up screwing up my subscription and only Danyella's socks came in January so they fixed it and sent a new pair ASAP to me). If you love socks or looking for a different gift to give for a birthday head to footcardigan.com  right now!! 

         This is the pair I received yesterday!

Walking into a Wall

"I love it when I go to the doctor's office and they tell me how I need to lower my stress level.... I am a single mom so there is no lowering my stress level right now." 

This has been the mind set I have had since my daughter was a baby and I went to the doctor for anxiety and depression. Here I was raising this baby who from the time she was born was awake every 2-3 hours until she was about 4 years old. As a toddler, all she wanted was Mommy to comfort her like when she was a baby and even going on 9 she does this on occasion still. 

I thought that as she would get older things aka life would get easier but it hasn't at all. If anything things became more stressful because instead of paying for diapers and formula now I was paying for dance lessons, recital fees, new dance shoes, clothes that got more expensive and the toys and gadgets that she wants. At 8 years old, I try to teach her the value of the dollar and how money doesn't grow on trees but then she sees her friends get all the things that she doesn't and feel left out which makes me feel like an epic fail of a mother. What parent doesn't want to give their child everything they desire and the memories that they will tell their grandchildren??

This is where I feel like I am walking into a wall because as much as I try to increase my income, it doesn't seem to be enough. I am a creative person at hear and a sales person by nature. I love to create and sell my products along with my other 2 sales business' but the only way I know how to expand requires the one thing I don't have.... a new, reliable car!

Before you go on to give me suggestions... my credit is in the dumps so no leasing a car, no I will not allow someone to co-sign for me and feel burdened to someone else, getting a "job" is outta the question due to not having transportation to get to said "job" and no I don't live in area that provides public transportation (you look out my window and all you see is trees and farmland). 

So there is my wall.... I feel like I cannot further my life the way it is but see no way of getting ahead. On a bright note..... I am grateful for the income that I do have, my loving, loyal customers and the business' that keep me afloat everyday. 

Expanding my horizons

Since I am unable to crochet like I used to due to my neck injury, I am looking what else I can make. I have lived in the world of crochet hats and scarves for years now and recently was asked to create a baby layette set. After creating this adorable sweater, booty and hat set, I began to think that I would love to expand my crocheting horizons. 

Today I was looking through my collections of crochet patterns that I have collected for the past 9 years (it's quite large!) and found some adorable baby patterns that I am going to begin. I bought Unforgettable yarn after seeing people rave about it but had no idea what to make. This pattern for a baby layette with sweater, hat and blanket set just called my name!  I will need to purchase more yarn but this is going to be super cute! After I'm finished I will be posting this for sale in my shopify store so be on the look out! 

Happy Valentines Day and be creative!

 

Maui, Hawaii

Wordless Wednesday: Maui, Hawaii 

2016 A New Year A New Me

2015 was not a great year for me... Not one of my worst year but not real growth was created in 2015 so I have big plans for 2016! I'm starting a New Year A New Me campaign in my life and my business'. I want to feel like an adult, a woman, a human with feelings again. With everything that has happened to me, I shut off my ability to care, to love, to feel. The consequences to shutting myself off was that I lost most of my friends, lost people I have loved and most of all I lost myself. Most days I have sat in my chair or any chair, feeling as numb to people as my hands do on a daily basis. It's not healthy for my mind or body.

So big changes are in store for 2016! I have been listening to Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" on audible and have laid out a game plan for 2016. Some months will be harder then others but I want to smile again, to love and be loved, to feel happiness through my body and my life. 

As my poster states: This Year.....

A bad habit I am going to give up is eating snacks late at night or when I am stressed!

A new Skill I would like to learn is how to create professional makeup looks!

A person I hope to be like is the best self I can be!

A good deed I am going to do is continue to volunteer with Soldiers Angels!

A place I would like to visit is Disney World!

A book I would like to read the newest Nicholas Sparks book!

A letter I am going to write is to my children!

A new food I would like to try is jumbalaya!

I am going to do better at paying off my debts!

Now it's your turn whether you comment below or write them down for yourself to see, I encourage each of you to find small ways to better your life in 2016! 

Never Forget

Do you remember where you were in the moment you heard about the towers on 9/11/01? I remember it like it was yesterday and that paralyzing feeling still all to real in my mind today. It was supposed to be just an ordinary day, like every other day, until the moment where everything changed. 

My next question is.... Is our society back to being as relaxed as we were in the hours and minutes before the first plane hit the tower? So many people just go about their day like nothing happened on that day but it is US that need to remember those fateful moments that took to many lives and destroyed families forever. Yes, I have been through the airport security checks since 9/11 and it is a pain in the arse. I would take the long lines and intrusive bag checks over being in a hijacked plane any day! 

On this anniversary, I ask that you take a moment to remember where you were and how you felt when you got the news of 9/11 and then list what you are grateful for because you are still breathing while the people in those planes, in those buildings and the heroes that ran into those buildings are not. 

I'm not allowed to miss you

It's Friday night, I'm sitting here listening to classical music in an attempt to keep calm and reading a positive thinking book so that I don't dwell on the negative in my life. All of a sudden, the flood gates open and every tear that I have held back the past month appears as a long stream on salty, cold tears down my cheeks. Why today? It has been one month since you said your last words to me....

A breakup is hard but a breakup with someone the second time around and on your birthday is even harder... Or it has been for me. We have all been through a breakup or two or more and felt the pain and then just moved on as life moves on. This breakup hasn't been like the rest, I didn't go begging for reasons or another chance (don't tell me you haven't done this at least once!). Yes the desperate girl act in hopes that you won't lose him and everything will turn out perfect until they don't.... I have been in that cycle in the past but this time is so different.

I chalked up my calmness (there were moments of weakness and a few tears shed) to growing and evolving as a person.... Until tonight. Once I realized the date and the significance that marked one month since that dreadful night, I could no longer hold back the pain and tears. I cried for over an hour and just didn't know how to stop them. I know what I lost that night and I'm not saying I was at total fault for the push that shoved our relationship over the edge but I would never want to lose him from my life forever. 

Now I have no other choice but to be happy for him and whatever might be going on in his life because  tears and anger will never patch the gaping hole in my heart for losing not just the love I had but a friend that I will cherish forever. 

PS. Growing up sucks as much as being the bigger person! 

Never Regret Your Past

Everyone grows from the situations they have experienced in life and I am no different from the rest. To say life has been a struggle is putting it mildly, to say the least. A single mom with health issues is a struggle all on its own then add other people into the mix and life becomes complicated, messy and drama filled (not all my own but I have been a contributing factor in some of the drama). 

I have lived with anger, guilt and regret (nearly daily) for over 20 years now. I am not putting my age out there but let's just say the anger started as a child.... (You can guess my age now). How could I not be angry? The girls who were Daddy's Little Girl would make me green with envy because my own father had nothing to do with me. As I have grown and experienced one to many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I have learned that my anger towards my father has sculpted my actions in my relationships (romantic or otherwise but mainly romantic). In each relationship, I waited for them to leave me like my father did and one by one they did. Some were nicer about leaving then others but each have taught me a lesson or two about what I want (or don't want) in a relationship.

Lessons help us grow as a person and as a soul. The anger I have lived with for so many years would creep up with each man and eventually they would leave and I was left angrier then I was before them. Was it their fault? I'm not saying I dated the best men.....they each had/have their own issues to deal with but why be angry with them when they see what I needed at the time. I had a need for them to treat me like they did to fulfill my own anger filled self-prophecy.... I am not worthy of Love. 

It's not their fault I felt like this but it's my fault for letting it happen. With the anger I felt from my father, as a child, as an adult I projected it onto people that were incapable of loving me. I will always be grateful for the good times and memories I had with them but I finally got to a point where I can let go of the anger I feel towards them. As for my father and myself.... That's a work in progress so stay tuned!